This week has been the most depressing week of my life.  Or maybe it’s been years.  Perhaps centuries.  …When the sun touched horizon, my face touched the floor.  When ambition prodded me in the back, I collapsed at the door.  Greatness took my hand, and Faith raised me up so I could stand, but then I breathed a whiff of Doubt, and took a glass of Overwhelming to the head… Daily this was my routine.  Waking up in bed dreading the space between that moment and evening, because I felt void of meaning, meaning that there was nothing worth doing, and I had to fake it… It was not a good time.  There was no hero to rescue me – or perhaps I was blinded… There was no healing serum, or magic recipe… Day in and day out, I bore the burden of the bareness of my necessities, because with no purpose – I had no needs for anything…

But today – was different. I woke up with my head up.  I opened my eyes and could breath – I wasn’t choked up.  My ears were unclogged, and i could perceive the echoes of Destiny and Resolution – had they always been speaking?  It felt like they chose this moment to speak up.  Revelation was a rhythm, and I was an emcee tearing the beat up… Jabbawockee gone rogue, out there tearing the street up.  … In my mind I proceeded cautiously, and in my mind’s eye I saw I was coffin free.  Unsure of what to do next, besides continue taking steps… Gifted with life gills, even under water I’m taking breaths.  I want to run and tell somebody of the this marvelous transformation, because my spirit is so elated, it seems this depression is outdated, because the day that the Lord saved me, He echoed the words He said when He made me… Joshua – be very strong and courageous, this depression and doubt is not yours.

However, underneath the layers is a thin filament of fear… Tougher than a splinter, thinner than a hair strand… What If plagues me, and bridles my wild steed of joy.  What If it’s a lie… What If I’ll be down again tomorrow night… What If this is a cycle that I keep falling into over and over again…

What If makes excellent points, and I guess he is tactically superior, because I have only one strategy… Rip the cages from around my faith, go hard in all things no matter what it takes, be careful not to intentionally put myself out of place, and surrender everything the sheer bigness of God.  Afterall – if a Shepherd can’t aid a struggling sheep, he’s not much of a Shepherd then is he?




~The Wordsmith


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