Dear Carrie

It’s scary ya know.

The world without you here.

I discovered too late the spirits of you and I were quite near, toast of champagne dear, now I’m trapped in the headlights. Staring into the shine trying to get a glimpse of your eyes. The car keeps approaching, wants to play chicken with me, Life already bulldozed you got a taste for blood, now she’s smitten with me! And I can’t move, it’s like I’m rooted to this spot; you died last year, I froze the moment, and time forgot. So now everyday is yesterday, dictionary on the swing, words at play, make it rain, stranger things like alchemy.

Oh wait.

I’m just cryin.

But I don’t care. Folks are laughing, you didn’t even meet her, if you woulda met her when you were married you probably would’ve cheated with her; plus she was on drugs tucked under the shade of a relapse, everything you like about her was far far away like a Shrek and charming rematch. So relax. Save your tears for real angels. Not another fallen pixie on a first name basis with rehab.

Dear Carrie, I don’t even respond to those folks no more. They make me wanna choke their vocal chords with a rubber hose around their throat til it don’t open no more. My hope is so sore. You were like a bottle of lightning and right when I picked it up to read the message inside it, you disappeared avatar roku style. I’m supposed to be goku how, feel like Liam neeson’s only child, everything I’ve learned since you were taken has cost me everything, ouch.

Is this what heroes are made of? Cords of your soul washed up, in the devil’s tub, but you’re Heaven touched, so Excalibur, in those burning thumbs, cannot overcome, the Lord’s banner hung, over every rut or find a weakness or opening to make a clean cut! Being a villain would be way more easy. Which is why you are Princess Leia both on and off screen to me. All you did was fight for right… even when cuddling with your darker side.

And I admit I cried. When I got home that night. You were the last Jedi. By faulty roll of dice. I’m dreading number nine. Cuz that glory is your right! But who am I really mad at? Me for playing it safe? Or you for living your life? Your legacy lives forever. Like Benjamin Franklin’s kite. And if I’m being Frank, I ain’t feelin too hot, dog, cuz the bark is fearsome, but I’m scared I’ll be all alone if I don’t leash this bite…

**sigh**

Dear Carrie, I’m working on it. Even in my peace of mind a piece of me is going bonkers.

Cuz you’re still not here.

So many loved you, almost none of us deserved you, but I heard lately from a woman of wondrous virtue that it’s not about deserve ooh. It’s about what we believe. And although I close my eyes and just scream cuz you not alive is obscene, when I open them again… there you are right next to beside me, auditioning for this musical, telling me to tell the truth.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Carrie Fisher drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra.

Oh God. It’s been so long. I was supposed to be leaping to safety, but instead I wrote a whole song. Well if I die, don’t tell them that I died. Regardless of how I go, I want it reported that I-

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Reframed

The string is taut

I’m still learnin though

When I was a kid

It wasn’t such a far drop

Now every misstep

Blairs the warning crescendo

Of look out far below

Eyes on the prize or the sting of the fall?

Every moment my feet inch out a little farther

Arms stuck out like rusty helicopter blades

Tipping. Balancing. 

Heel toe shuffling

A deck of cards sans hearts or ace of spades

I’d put the whole lot back in the box, but-

When I’m quiet…

I can hear something calling to me…

Halfway out over an abyss I can’t fathom

Bare feet scraping trying not to think of what’s possible to imagine

Fireworks in the background

Crazed fans screaming from the bathroom

Silent observers reading each character, assured that they know mine, right down to the letter…

I can see the grass stains on the goal post

Makes me feel like there can’t be much more to go

Phone rings

Wakes me from my coma

It’s not just mom and me anymore

There’s a whole stadium studying my persona

I’m not the whole show

Simply one act

One note card on the storyboard

What could be more humbling than that

Can’t wipe the blood off my sword anymore

Every crimson stain a memory

A talisman from my past

Like Vader’s gift through Anakin

Looped through Padme’s lifeless fingers

Love’s light lost at last…

The string is taut

I’m still learnin though

Sliding along the edges of this fraying education

At this altitude

Booing and cheering have the same insinuation

Whether insane or not…

Boy you better make it

Almost Made It

It’s like someone played the wrong chord on a vital organ… now I can hear the rising score morphin and taking over. Taking over the senses it connects to, it connects four because the clouded eyes behind these glasses are pourin.

Somewhere, in a garden hidden inside a forest, a flower falls…

A hitch in the step of sunrise, not strong enough to break into dawn, the darkness of the void is granted more time. Unintended benevolence, ignorant of what’s ahead of us, fishin for love with negligence, forfeiting our inheritance, trying to attain a better trust. Empty handed in the end, facial expression incredulous.

Like a roll of thunder, the flower crashes powerfully to the ground…

The bees lose passion for their honey… Badgers crawl from the cracks and crevices to lie dejectedly on the sand… the deer come down from the hills… Butterflies self identify with the cocoon… there are tear drops on the leaf tips. The dew of a morning that will either never come, or never cease. It’s only Tuesday, but the pews are already filled again. Completely unsure of what to pray, just aware that there’s a fresh crack inside and they don’t know how to fix it.

The broken flower rolls, idly, across the ground… slowly losing life yet captured in the twilight of ineffable beauty… there is no redemption in this- and even if there was, it’d be unnecessary.

Every petal isn’t meant to be saved.

The Dark One

This is what I do.

Drawn ever unto the light, but retaining my picture of imperfection. I can’t be framed, because I actually did it. I can’t condemn the world, because I’ve been cursed by spirit. The luxury of lackluster living spoils me…

I am the Shadow Man.

Sometimes I forget.

Sometimes hope sneaks up on me. Dreams sneak up in me. The sun blazes and I think its holy light can finally be the remedy.

…. but who is there to conquer when I am my only enemy. Enmity inwardly ending things instinct free… injury prone and found guilty.

I am the Shadow Man.

I can’t keep track of all the wrong things I’ve done. Can’t cling to redemption long enough to hold on. My heart freezes up and my fingers break. I am not Tris, not made dauntless, I am the loch ness forever locked inside his cage.

I am the Shadow Man. The Magic Terror. The Demon Dressed in Light. The Evil One. The Unholy Son. The Mare Rider of the Night. I quit everything except the darkness I dabble in, because when a man has nothing, he needs power and I’m too afraid to be powerless out in the sun.

I am the Shadow Man.

The unsolicited villain sullying and polluting the brook your story flows in.

No liberty bell can save me.

For I…

Am Rumpelstiltskin.

13

My childhood fantasy

Was to be a super hero

I remember praying to God one day

Promising to do my best to save the world

To never turn to evil

And to fight for goodness with every moment of my life.

I was ten.

13-ballThree years later I had the same dream

Had the same prayer

And it honestly seems like, I never really aged.

I still wish I had super powers

So I could make a real difference in this world

Perhaps that is why I always feel less than able

It’s hard to consistently and skillfully produce

When you’re satiated with “if onlys” and being ungrateful!

But wait a minute. I’m not a kid. Let’s examine the evidence.

13 made me wishful, but 25 made me capable.

I still cannot fly

But my words and smile take people to far away lands

I cannot move objects with my mind

But I can move souls with my hands

I cannot use the Force

But I can call upon the limitless power of hope

I cannot teleport

But there is no place on the globe that my prayers cannot reach

I can’t run at super speed

But I can be at the side of my neighbor in an eye blink

I still lack x-ray and telescopic vision…

But I can see God everywhere, in everyone and everything.

Hm.

Do not despair younger me

The Lord has answered our prayers after all.

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