Peering Out

Mind is ramblin. Fingertips panickin, stammerin on ink blots, trippin over the deep spots, and fallin off banisters.

Heavy landing. Signals scrambling, is this happening? Oh here’s lack again. Hey mama.

I’m sorry. That your mission for me got busted like Pamela Anderson’s fitted, you always put a bow on my problems, told me I was so gifted, I believed that and kept it ter- never knew what I was missin. Wanted to be my own man, not just next in the sequence, but I didn’t know the difference. I am where I am cuz I only looked for one part of God- that’s why I all got were zeroes.

I can be a hero. Cape flap with a snap back. Arm crease for my darling, therapist for my relapse. I immediately start performing on the set of my setbacks. I dap my dreams, but they don’t wave back, like a surfer on a flat sea, nothing’s moving, it’s getting dark now, I put my all in this but I can’t cash out!

Keep the deposit.

I’ll just stay here, locked in my closet.

Penning letters to Martians.

Violating my fandom, hoping for beam ups from Scottie.

I don’t even like Star Tr**.

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Knees

It wasn’t until I was no longer afraid of being formless around you that it happened. I let go of the need to protect my sensitivity, I’m all dough, and cheese, soon as you begin speaking to me- my strength is no longer defined by its constant state but by its content’s state.

It wasn’t until the swords and rockets were relinquished, until the security force was extinguished in the freedom of being with you that I realized- I never had an issue with weakness. 

I’ve always concealed it, like a never ending game of hide and go seek, but under your touch, I spill all the secrets to the mystery. I shyly confess that I actually can’t do things. My force fields have always had holes and my desires have always had walls, if you crucify me I’ll bleed. Please. Stick your fingers into the road carved through my palms. I am weak.

And I am happy to let my weaknesses breathe, because each exhale sharpens my hearing as I’m lulled to sleep by your heartbeat.

Weakness was never the enemy.

Just the feeling of being vulnerable.

But even when I’m exposed, your light corrupts the negatives, and the true image of who I am is safe all over again.

A win win.

In my skin.

I think I’m in love with…

The Queen who brings me to my knees.

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Trembling

I thought it was the sunlight I was afraid of. The tenuous tremors of having my shadows stripped away from me at long last under the howling brilliance of your soothing glow. The embrace of arms I almost didn’t believe in, for they had only ever existed in my dreams.

You, were only ever a dream.

A euphoria without face or form, just an instinct in sync in me, assuring, that there was a blade which cut through midnight’s velvet touch. That the stars were prophets foretelling your love.

And so I thought it was the light I was afraid of. Refusing to admit ownership of the fear that, having survived the storm unto the rainbow, I would follow your scent into the clouds only to discover that rainbows don’t exist. Terror buried itself deeper in my heart, exorcising the last vestiges of hope from their sacred coves bordering the open sea of my soft place. The tender string only your fingers could pluck.

I thought I was afraid of this moment- to discover that I didn’t measure up. That the dream had found me, but I was immune to miracles. I thought this was my fear…

Until I saw a man with guitar heart- it was ripped to shreds. In front of his kids, he shed all his tears, had nowhere to store em, no receipt or meds. Before he said a word, I looked in his eyes and I knew… This is what it looks like when the sun is violently torn away from the moon. When echoes are pillaged for their sound, when a DNA strand is unwound and rent in two. He wore his loss like a cloak; his agony like a heavy, second skin. Misery adorned him with her cruel diadem; his head dripped with the stinging mists of hellfire royalty.

And that’s when the veil dissolved into the abyss.

Away for now the form of man.

Behold the true fear where it stands.

… for your light to suddenly burn out, even as I am dancing in the midst of it.

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Dear Maya Part III

(Dear Maya Part I)

(Dear Maya Part II)

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It’s been three years since we’ve spoken. Four years since you’ve… you know.

I’ve gotta say- love doesn’t work the way I thought it did. All my loved ones seem to have to suffered more from my affections than they’ve been healed by it. The family saga has a few broken lines that left some pages bent… In desperation for life, I forced a chapter in… but that’s not the way of salvation is it? That’s not how it works.

Whenever something is forced, it explodes as soon as you let up on the pressure…

Happy birthday Grandma Angelou. It’s not all darkness and regret. I’ve been practi-seeing the rainbow moonwalk through the clouds, the music hums when it doesn’t howl, I don’t have to quit. Just needed to upgrade my kit. My heart beats to the cadence of a different set and although the rhythm is unfamiliar and makes me shiver, it’s not bad. Every time I crack the snare, I get more healing.

It’s been three years since we’ve spoken. Four years since you’ve… you know.

You’d be so proud of your daughter- Auntie Oprah has dug her heels in as a world changer. Although nothing about her was ever plain like the main hangar, her walk in legacy makes her creativity unrestrained like blank paper! Some people still call her wayward- but the non way makers always have a wasteful way with words.

Poetry is a lifestyle.

Poetry is a gift.

The life is the gift which is the style…

Poetry is a slow dance with vulnerability.

Dear Grandma Angelou. It’s been three years since we’ve spoken. Four years since you’ve… you know.

In all honesty, I still feel like I’m a step behind everything I’m meant to be- but in due honor of your truth training, I’m not even close to giving up.

I still keep my head turned towards the light. ❤

Happy birthday Grandma Angelou.

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The Hang Up

This is my least favorite part

My cheek lines narrow, deep, wide, concealing desire, avant garde. Because I’m smiling so hard.

Telling you my ridiculous stories, startled and intrigued that you’re still listening; digging out my pad and pen to prick the tip of bliss and drip inspiration from clouds to lips. 

Gesturing widely with my hands, fingers speaking an unsigned language through a megaphone, hoping these butterfly ripples will reach you on your pillow and that it’ll feel like- I’m laying next to you.

Sharing our day together. Splitting the frustration with our kids. Edging out the sheet wrinkles with the smooth gliding of our hips, and always competing to be the first to suggest ice cream as the sacred remedy. 

I learned a long time ago that sugar can fix anything. So draw your lips to me and I’ll frame it in the space between our heartbeats.

I’ve been cleaning my room a lot lately. I know you’re not the company I’ll soon keep, but it’s a Zeus streak, catching lightning, every blue week, cuz I’m noob training, on the glued dais, monsoon waiting, for food payment, thoroughly unamused at my flowering chartreuse painting, I put so many words together it’s like a puzzle factory sold their pieces for stock in the picture and asked me to teach the curriculum. 

My room is clean. I’m a king preparing for a queen. 

The glow of my laptop is like a saber to the light- it calls to me. Missions left unfinished on my gaming screen. I’ve got a morning routine, several books to read and I try to get them done early because everything comes to a halt when you’re calling me.

I wanna do everything.

And I wanna talk to you.

It’s a strange paradox that lives in my mind- if I got my wish for us to talk all the time, the waves would lose the tide and the ocean would set on fire. Not talking to you is what gives us something to talk about. 

We’ve been talking for hours now. I love it when your voice pliés and I can hear your smile. Feel your smile. Like warm honey pooling across my chest.

And that is why this is my least favorite part… how can the night be good if it’s just me with my thoughts? This is my least favorite part…

Because it means our time has come and gone.

Away to sleep…

To awake in the morn.

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