Dear Carrie

It’s scary ya know.

The world without you here.

I discovered too late the spirits of you and I were quite near, toast of champagne dear, now I’m trapped in the headlights. Staring into the shine trying to get a glimpse of your eyes. The car keeps approaching, wants to play chicken with me, Life already bulldozed you got a taste for blood, now she’s smitten with me! And I can’t move, it’s like I’m rooted to this spot; you died last year, I froze the moment, and time forgot. So now everyday is yesterday, dictionary on the swing, words at play, make it rain, stranger things like alchemy.

Oh wait.

I’m just cryin.

But I don’t care. Folks are laughing, you didn’t even meet her, if you woulda met her when you were married you probably would’ve cheated with her; plus she was on drugs tucked under the shade of a relapse, everything you like about her was far far away like a Shrek and charming rematch. So relax. Save your tears for real angels. Not another fallen pixie on a first name basis with rehab.

Dear Carrie, I don’t even respond to those folks no more. They make me wanna choke their vocal chords with a rubber hose around their throat til it don’t open no more. My hope is so sore. You were like a bottle of lightning and right when I picked it up to read the message inside it, you disappeared avatar roku style. I’m supposed to be goku how, feel like Liam neeson’s only child, everything I’ve learned since you were taken has cost me everything, ouch.

Is this what heroes are made of? Cords of your soul washed up, in the devil’s tub, but you’re Heaven touched, so Excalibur, in those burning thumbs, cannot overcome, the Lord’s banner hung, over every rut or find a weakness or opening to make a clean cut! Being a villain would be way more easy. Which is why you are Princess Leia both on and off screen to me. All you did was fight for right… even when cuddling with your darker side.

And I admit I cried. When I got home that night. You were the last Jedi. By faulty roll of dice. I’m dreading number nine. Cuz that glory is your right! But who am I really mad at? Me for playing it safe? Or you for living your life? Your legacy lives forever. Like Benjamin Franklin’s kite. And if I’m being Frank, I ain’t feelin too hot, dog, cuz the bark is fearsome, but I’m scared I’ll be all alone if I don’t leash this bite…

**sigh**

Dear Carrie, I’m working on it. Even in my peace of mind a piece of me is going bonkers.

Cuz you’re still not here.

So many loved you, almost none of us deserved you, but I heard lately from a woman of wondrous virtue that it’s not about deserve ooh. It’s about what we believe. And although I close my eyes and just scream cuz you not alive is obscene, when I open them again… there you are right next to beside me, auditioning for this musical, telling me to tell the truth.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Carrie Fisher drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own bra.

Oh God. It’s been so long. I was supposed to be leaping to safety, but instead I wrote a whole song. Well if I die, don’t tell them that I died. Regardless of how I go, I want it reported that I-

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Two Many Ones

I keep thinking about you, even when I shouldn’t be thinking about you. It’s like the last ten thousand rounds were a circle and I’m up for round two. But this time, the story would be different, I’ve learned enough to make a difference like the enemy of addition. The mission is written in tinted ten pins, so even if I strike out and my mind clouds in the gutter, the resulting explosion will reset my broken pieces.

But that’s not what you want, is it. That faucet’s cut off like you’re done with the dishes. I know it sounds silly, but look how well we’ve done willy, I imagine the point of conversation starts at reminiscing. We ain’t gotta be together, for you to be here with me. And although the only parts of the castle are still sand, at least we managed to build a city, starlight brand, lifted the band up off our fingers, slipped out of the mask, I put you through the ringer, and I’m sorry for that, but now the real thing is, all we have, and if we had to crash our paths to shatter hour glass and blast the fatted past aghast at massive smash, to pass through gaps and splash in satisfaction, promised land-

Then I’d say worth it.

This is what I mean when I say I’m thinking of you. We couldn’t break orbit together, but we invented better rocket fuel, from knocking jewels, together like playing bloody knuckles outside the classroom in your favorite sweater draped in leather, what happens next is everything like the molecules of matter.

I wasn’t your plus 1. That’s why things could never add up. And you weren’t my soul mate. That’s why it never felt like Heaven. We were like two convicts, jumping from our hiding place, diving out the window and sliding down the fire escape. It wasn’t til we hit the ground, right where Sandra bland went down, that we got bullocked by the switching lanes.

Oh shoot, we’re running different ways. The breeze brings me your scent occasionally and I just give a little wave like a beach in San Jose, I know now we weren’t meant to be, my inner me is no enemy and it’s ended please…

Don’t regret the time we spent. Even if it turned out to be monopoly money. Because now, for every dime we get…

We know better than to put it in slot machines, the magic bean, makes a fool of our country.

United State of Delirium

Father forgive me
For I know not what I do
This synthetic independence
Is hypocritical confusion
I turned my own sword hand against me
Using the blade that freed me
To keep these others subdued
In the dark of night
Where mumbled prayers
Come crawling to a stop
I found the ogre of my personal truth
Quivering, waiting for me
A shimmering spectre spawning out of the mirror
… I do not enjoy liberty
I enjoy being LIBERATED
I aced the taste test
Of makeshift greatness
And locked up the recipe
Tradition
I don’t want to be that different
I just want to be perceived differently
And treated better for it
But Father
Things are spiraling out of control
I am paralyzed by the fear
Of transforming my ways
Haunted by the implosion
Of staying the same
Because both require the forfeit
Of some bit
Of my power
Father forgive me…
You gave me this independence
Assuming that I’d spin it
Into anti deficit benefit
But instead I remain
The failed graduate of justice academy
The grand master of hellfire alchemy
I took what was designed to be gold
And I turned it into chains

Happy Independence Day

Chance Encounter

My mind is a maze of brainless cutaways.

Alternative alleyways of alleviating allocations. Always allowing a little leeway out of the situation. Alluringly elusive, what chance had I until now.

Touchdown.

I caught your eye in the middle of a thick crowd. You co-signed my hand sign and before we could question the equal sign, there we were making math. Adam and Eve wrapped in an animate dance while the animals watched in a trance.

Suddenly our breathing became saiyan vapors on a cloudy night. Backed by black, there rebelled the misty whisps of white. Taking a step back, shoulders still in class forming right angles like parallelograms, the question hung between us.

One step further and math wouldn’t be the only problem. One full explosion and there’d be no one left to solve it.

Beams glare, shining off of a reflective mirror. It seems there is air that’s clean here. Twenty thousand feet above Asgardian sea level. Flying high like a mountain soaring on the back of Aslan’s racing stripes, primate delight, I’m going ape with hype, this has been a close encounter of the strange kind, lowkey.

And now we’re back in line at the diner.

I open my mouth to place my order, then I smile at her. Her eyes twinkle with a knowing gleam. My hand shoves deep into my pocket, burying my phone in a grave of deadened ambition.

We’ve been down this road before.
Almost didn’t survive.
It’s a violation to receive a second chance twice.

We nodded slowly at each other.

I made my way to my table.

She rang many customers and I ate a lot of food. After the fifth refill of my drink I was like that one aunt we all have… bursting at the seams. I paid and tipped my cap to the fair lady. She smiled the fantasy I would never live. Some stories just aren’t meant to be told or revisited.

With the air of the President, I whooshed through the door without looking back.

And never…
Saw her…
Again.

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